Pippa’s Posterior – Let’s put it behind us
Originally submitted to Private eye magazine
In front of a global audience of over two billion awestruck viewers, the recent Royal nuptials saw the emergence of two cultural icons destined to spend from here to eternity in the media spotlight.
Pippa Middleton’s left and right buttock.
It’s a rarity for a body part to become such a global sensation overnight. Winking Ronaldo’s eye, maybe. Monika Lewinsky’s knees, perhaps. Elvis’ hips, certainly. But before Ms. Middleton’s posterior takes on a life of its own, perhaps we should have a look at what might be in store for it and its owner...
June 4th 2011 – Eton College, Slough
Returning to their respective Alma Mater, William Wales and Alex Loudon, boyfriend of Pippa, are watching the coxless fours when an errant local with a death wish cops a feel of ‘the people’s bum’. A spokesperson for Wexham Park Hospital in Slough later reports:- “We removed most of the bottle. Luckily, it was a Perrier Jouet Belle Epoque, a Premium Champagne, so the glass didn’t shatter”.
June 16th 2011 – Barbados
Taking a much deserved holiday after several months of playing second fiddle to her older sister Katherine (“Duchess of Cambridge? Is that all?! Hardly getting my face on a fucking stamp, is it Wills? Can’t you, y’know, pull rank or something?”) Pippa is spotted rubbing sun cream into her upper thigh whilst relaxing with Alex in The Sandy Lane Hotel. The bank of forty land-based and four specialist underwater paparazzo nearly missed the mark of a lifetime when a post lunch Michael Winner became dangerously beached on the foreshore. This prompted several calls to Greenpeace and a beseeching cry from the victim of “...I should have had...” glurgle “...a fucking knighthood!”
July 22nd 2011 – Mahiki Nightclub, London
Despite an outside glow of happiness, PIP-ASS (as she/it had been known by a leering Charlie Brooker and the Tabloid press for some time now) steps into the world of the kiss and tell. Or, more pertinently, the point and shoot. Whilst spending the necessaries in the marble decked washroom, a solitary iPhone crept under the stall divider. A click emanated that would soon be heard around the world.
July 23rd 11AM, The High Courts, London
Facebook, Twitter, Google and Flikr become the first websites to be shut down indefinitely by Royal Decree. The original charges of treason were challenged and dropped during an emergency injunction hearing. On hearing the news, Prince Harry is rumoured to have counselled his brother:- “Fuck that, chap. They’re messing with one’s bitches”. Mr. Justice Eady (in a haste which denied his reputation) swiftly issued what became known within the Premiership as a ‘Mega Injunction’. The end result was that general public were banned from even thinking about the photograph in question, let alone look at it.
Mid September 2011, The Rear Of The Year™ Competition
All other contenders were withdrawn in what became, for the first time in the event’s 29 year history, a foregone conclusion. A Paddy Power spokesman was quoted as saying:- “It’s a lock in, to be sure, I mean... pwoar!” Asked to give an opinion, 1992 recipient Ulrika Jonsson said:- “Well, it’s just nice to be back in the spotlight again, you know? No one shows the slightest interest in me anymore. I might have to get married again just to like, stir up some interest. So, what did you want to ask me?”
20th November 2011 – San Marcos, California
The Real Doll Company releases its first batch of ‘Princess Pippa’ dolls. The multi-orificed silicone creations had been pre-ordered to the tune of 45,000 units. Clarence House poised; Carter-Ruck’s lawyers snarled...
23rd November 2011, The City Of London
The global price of silica rose by 60% on the London Commodities Exchange. A spokesman for RealDoll.com was quoted as saying:- “Yes, it’s probably our fault, but hey? Whatcha gonna do? It’s a peach!”
24th November 2011 - London
Mr. Justice Eady, in a characteristic (yet ill advised) statement to the assorted bank of journalists camped outside his Kent Farmhouse said:- “I know it’s an infraction, but what can I do? Make up another injunction every time someone thinks about a young girls bu...”.
Mr. Eady was handcuffed and detained in custody for, some would argue, rather naively breaking his own embargo.
December 25th 2011 – Bucklebury Common, Near Newbury
Christmas lunch at the Middletons. William and Katherine, Carol and Michael recline in the drawing room. Pippa and her new beau Robert Pattinson prepare coffee.
A stony hush descends during the Queen’s speech.
Her Royal Highness announces that Pippa Middleton’s posterior has been declared a National Treasure and, as such, will be displayed for eternity in the Tower of London. A soft weeping emanates from the kitchen.
If this is the future, then the odious Andrew Morton may well quill the following as Poet Laureate in 2013:-
“On the oft trodden stairs
of Westminster Abbey
Swayed two orbs clad in silk,
And a face none too shabby”
For her sake, let’s hope this is as close as it ever gets to the truth, and leave it at that.